


He's okay (he's not)

by Trash_Lord



Series: Author vents through haikyuu charecters [5]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Gen, Grafic self harm, Implied/references suicide notes, Like i mean it theres some p grafic descriptions, Mentioned eating issues, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Talk of scabs, im sorry??, self hatred, talk of blood, talk of scars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-08
Updated: 2016-07-08
Packaged: 2018-07-22 07:03:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7424794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trash_Lord/pseuds/Trash_Lord
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yamaguchi doesn't really feel real anymore. He's numb, drifting through life. Waiting until he can sneak off alone behind a locked door and dig that blade of his into his skin and watch the blood dripping down his leg.</p>
            </blockquote>





	He's okay (he's not)

Yamaguchi doesn't really feel real anymore. He's numb, drifting through life. Waiting until he can sneak off alone behind a locked door and dig that blade of his into his skin and watch the blood dripping down his leg. 

He loves the feel of the skin tearing, it helps. 

At school on his better days he smiles and jokes and he's pretty good at making it seem like everything's okay. 

On his bad days he gets concerned looks from Sugawara.   
He doesn't notice. All he can think about is wanting to go home and feel the bite of the blade on his thigh. He wants to swallow too many pills and just /die/ already. He'll stumble his way through practice and he doesn't bother responding to most of Tsukishima's comments. 

Alot of times everything hurts and he considers quiting the volleyball club (or quitting breathing) because he's just not good enough. He'll never be good enough.   
But at the end of the day he doesn't, because that's a drastic move and he's /fine/ everything fine. 

Some days he's too numb to really register anything and no one really notices anything because outwardly he seems pretty normal but on the inside he's suffering and he can feel the emotions bubbling up his throat and it makes him want to cry. But he can't. He won't. So he blanks his face and let's people think everything is fine. 

He's fine (he's not)

Yamaguchi doesn't like to eat anymore because it makes him feel like he's taking up more room than he's worth.   
He avoids meals. Quits eating lunch all together, skips breakfast most days. He gets dizzy at practice, his vision gets fuzzy and spotty when he stands up most times. He doesn't tell anyone. 

Eating at all beings to make him nauseous and he hates it. But he forces him to eat infront of other people so no one suspects anythings wrong.   
Because he's fine (he's not. He hasn't been for a long time)

During some late nights he'll write suicide notes and take too many pills just to wake the next morning disappointed and feeling so bad.   
He goes to sleep most nights hoping, praying to a God he doesn't belive in, that he won't wake up in the morning.   
He always wakes up.   
(Always, and he always wishes he wouldn't)  
He's so tired and wants everything to end. 

When the cuts on his body start to heal they itch like crazy so he'll scratch and scabs will come off and wounds will re-open. 

Sometimes the cuts aren't lines but words. 

Weak  
Fat  
Liar  
Weak  
Fat  
Liar

Over and over again but it's never enough.   
He wants to bleed more, cut more   
(More more moremoremoremore)

(More pills, more blood, more cuts)

He's bought and broken so many pencil sharpeners. He's stolen his mother's eyeliner sharpener.   
("Why do you need a new one already?")

He knows people have seen his scars (if not his cuts) they don't mention them and neither does he. 

Nothing matters anymore.   
Nothing at all. 

He's so /tired/ 

He knows he's nothing special   
(he's nothing at all in fact)  
He knows no one would /really/ miss him of he died (which is why he doesn't feel guilty at his suicide attempts)

Yamaguchi hasn't cried in a long time.   
Tears are useless (like him)  
They don't fix anything. There's no point in them (there's no point in   
/him/)

In the dead silence of his room when he cuts he can hear the skin tearing, splitting open. He enjoys it. In a morbid sort of way. Just like he enjoys the blood beading up and dripping 

(Dripping

Dripping 

Drip  
p  
i  
n   
g  
Drippingdrippingdripping

Tearing 

Tearing 

Tearing 

Tearingtearingtearingtearteartear

Slicing 

Slicing 

Slicing 

Slicing

S  
L  
I  
C  
E )

Sometimes the pain is what he lives for.   
Alot of times he just doesn't know anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> So I feel like this is really disjointed and hard to follow but???????? I needed to rant   
> \- Trash_Lord (Damien)


End file.
